Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting

(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?

I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.

Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero

There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.

Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!

[after dinner]

Mugger: gimme your wallet.

Me: can I keep my drivers license?

Mugger: fine.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.

Me: oh.

Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: you know what forget it.

ME: I wasn’t invited to the party

FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic

ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone

There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”

I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids

“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now

I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”

Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.

TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’

*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*

May it please the Court.

If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.

bat life

A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*

Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.

There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes

I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.

Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*

People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*

*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*

TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.

Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”

He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.

“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.

Blindsided me.

The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!

My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.