It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
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Don’t beat an alive horse either.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
I need to update my racial profile.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
<- sleeps well with others
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.