Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas

I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.

Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie

Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this

When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked

Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car

A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.

If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:

Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.

The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.

We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.

(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)

Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.

That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.

Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.

I’m Local Man.

This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.

Boom! Zing! This is free content!

I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.

i was made for a simpler time. when people made their own clothes. and politely died of syphilis.

Do I like to live dangerously?

I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick

OMG this view is amazing!!!

– me opening the lid on the pizza box

I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.

LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*

VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!

LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”

I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.

My fantasy football season is going great

Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup

Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?

“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids

I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.

For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere

– my 5yo, unprompted

I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.

I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.

Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?

HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.

I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes