It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
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Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby