It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
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I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.