It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
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Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats