Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”

– inventor of the bagpipe

Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin

Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked

When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.

Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.

It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”

Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes

Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”

[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason

Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying

German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”

BISON DAD: good bye, son.

BISON SON: thank you, dad.

I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here

[confessional]

me: father, gooey naan.

father: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?

HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.

ATM: just any 4 numbers.

Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”

life lately

Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.

Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman

My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands

Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!

I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.

If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening

the composer

cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.

Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?

I know you do. That’s why I do it.

everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.

6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.