It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man
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“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
me, too, girl. me, too.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.