It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
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Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Who does Amazon think I am?
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.