It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
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“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
I need to sieze this.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
