@iMikosnyc

It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.

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@KimmyMonte

Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide

@daemonic3

Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian

“Aww, what a nice name”

It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name

“What is it?”

Theskywithdiamonds

@Marlebean

In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.

@onlxn

hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING

@Skoog

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

@psybermonkey

Me: cute infant you have there

Mary: thanks

Me: so tender and mild

Mary: …w-what