@iMikosnyc

It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.

You Might Also Like

@michaeljhudson

What sound does a cow make?
“Moooo”
Good, a duck?
“Quack”
Good, how about a seal?
“My power my PLEASURE MY PAIN, babaaaayyy

@semple42

There’s this woman in my office who is wearing the same outfit as yesterday and she reeks of tequi……ok it’s me.

@thatUPSdude

Can’t figure out if my dad is defusing a bomb or trying to answer his cell phone. It’s tense!

“The green one dad, not the Red one!”

@patnspankme

99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.

@ArfMeasures

HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island

ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island

H: Ok so that was easy

@fuzzlime

the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”

@tatsabrat

My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward

@heyitskellyy

a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!