What sound does a cow make?
Good, a duck?
Good, how about a seal?
“My power my PLEASURE MY PAIN, babaaaayyy
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
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There’s this woman in my office who is wearing the same outfit as yesterday and she reeks of tequi……ok it’s me.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Can’t figure out if my dad is defusing a bomb or trying to answer his cell phone. It’s tense!
“The green one dad, not the Red one!”
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!