It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
You Might Also Like
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
I hope it’s French Onion!
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶