IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
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We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Succinctly put.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
A friend who’s a former British military officer told me that when he was training soldiers in jungle warfare they were taught that if they got lost in the jungle, the first thing they should do was to brew a cup of tea and think about what to do next.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs