Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*

Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.

Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.

Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people

My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.

I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.

The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat

They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.

My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.

I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.

“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”

I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.

It was.

I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?

ME: shape shifting

INTERVIEWER: is that so?

INTERVIEWER: yes

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them

For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.

My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

2017: It can’t get worse than this

DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment

i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either

Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?

Yea. Me nether.

imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains

*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*

Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open

Me: No problem

Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105

– Fancy restaurants

I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.

*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now

[heaven]

IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do

ME: Me too

I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?

M: I didn’t stop poking a bear

I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC

I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting

You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!

Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.

Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.

doctor: do u smoke?

me: no

doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*

me: [nervously] is…is that bad?

If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,

I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game