Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha

My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.

My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.

I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.

I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.

[Watching Star Trek with my date]

ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.

I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.

Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No

*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.

me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok

Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.

My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—

Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.

I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.

Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?

Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.

[best read with a French accent]

“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”

My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.

My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.

[using Apple Pay]

Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple

152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.

bought wrong eggs

Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.

My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.

How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong

I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.

Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing

If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.

imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”

*inventing the mirror*

“People don’t have enough to worry about.”