Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.

hear me out: A Netflix series where MMA champions go undercover to Eagles games wearing the opposing team’s jersey

if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40

Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.

Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE

Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.

The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.

i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times

terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth

please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Y’all know who you are.

I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.

*pogo stick inventor* I got you.

“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”

[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back

Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!

Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)

Hubs: Never mind

Me: Smart move

High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others

My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*

6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*

Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?

6: My boyfriend.

Me: Give it back.

Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.

Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship

You hang up

“No, you hang up”

You hang up first!

– Bats going to bed

Don’t leave me alone.

Alone: I have a boyfriend.

Where’s my employee discount too?

Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.

Reasons to not eat cookies:

– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.

End of list

I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse

ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!

Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.

A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.