IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
You Might Also Like
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*