Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.

{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??

Vacation Summary:

I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.

Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.

A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?

What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision

Cashier: I love your lip gloss!

Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.

I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.

Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.

APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.

NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.

worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol

Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me

“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers

Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.

Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?

jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job

im 7 sauces long

ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.

My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy

Put my back out twerking in the library again

When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.

Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT

my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high

King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

🥲

“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery

1977: stayin’ alive

2020: stayin’ alive

I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible

Wanted:
1 Psychic.

You know who you are.

I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.