“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
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The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
All. The. Damn. Time.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you