It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
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[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs
I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
How did we not see this back then?
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover