Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you call an upset reindeer?

Caribou-hoo.

*Ba-dum-tsss

[first time in a bed]

me: this blanket is really heavy

salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress

I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.

What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*Quicksand

What I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”

I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs

I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”

Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.

ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.

Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out

one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere

Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.

I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”

me: *screams*

my husband: goddammit

A letter home from Burning Man:

“My Dearest Martha:

I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”

Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.

Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.

I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…

white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery

Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place

[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya

please stand back I’m about to make this worse

I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.

Tastes like chicken.

Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.

Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.

Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”

occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky

I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.

Me: Go to bed

4-year-old: But I have questions!

Me: You’re stalling

4: I need to know!

Me: What?

4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?

An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.