Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
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People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday