it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
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Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
“what that mouth do?” complain
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.