it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
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My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
…u ok Nintendo?
my dog when i have a friend over
I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.
Once on Rosh Hashanah when I was 14 or 15, I took a red potato & cut it perfectly to look like an apple slice, dipped it in honey & then gave it to my little sister. She has still not forgiven me or forgotten.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes