Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?

{phone call}

MRS. TURTLE: Hello?

MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours

MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close

MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away

This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.

“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung

scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?

other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?

scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours

7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days

I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat

I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.

Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time

The struggle is real.

Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself

creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same

Bank: your credit card payment is late

Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate

Bank: what

Me: nothing what do I owe

Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…

Him: what does a polar bear weigh?

Me: I don’t know

Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.

Me: so’s mine.

I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective

me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*

her: don’t bite my lip

“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”

I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.

Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.

The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.

[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS

Gonna stop calling it a mammogram and start referring to it as Squishmallows.

introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already

dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume

{At the last supper}

Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”

Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”

Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.

Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.

The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.

That’s fair