It’s completely absurd that Silicon Valley is pushing AI on us before they figured out how to keep fries fresh during takeout and delivery.
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AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic