Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.

‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂

I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.

Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!

Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing

Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.

“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”

-Trees

Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some

Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.

It seems to help

Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.

i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it

Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business

If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.

My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.

Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking

ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.

you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous

WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life

ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same

What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.

I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.

wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?

I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.

The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.

I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early

when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then

Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad

*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*

Me: h-how are you smoking??

The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.

Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.

Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”

It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.

Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do