It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
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SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Me if I was a dog
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”