Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *opens my front door*

Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*

Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.

Boss: You mean up?

Me: No, updog.

Boss: What’s updog?

Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”

I’m funny that way.

Someone should probably go check on Steve.

when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.

Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?

Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for

Netflix: Oh ok

Me: No I mean put it on

I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.

So annoying that in order to meet new people you need to go out and meet new people. Ideally I would have known you in a past life

Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.

advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”

I am so behind with news. So sad about the Titanic #rip

I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE

People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

LADIES imagine this,

its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little

i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert

you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea

The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.

Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it

Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!

“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.

When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?

Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.

The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.

My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.

Signs you’re a full fledged adult:

• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking

• You pay attention to the weather now

• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on

• You have a favorite stove burner

• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore

I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.

An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.

Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.