It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
You Might Also Like
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.