Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
You Might Also Like
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Anime is real
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair