it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
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Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
I falcon love using swear birds
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Me: It’s time to get ready for school.
Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?
Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.
[6 hours later]
Kid: What are we having for dinner?
Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
That de-escalated quickly
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
That’s commitment
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.
