it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
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If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.