it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
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Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
How I like cutting carbs
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
I miss this era type of pranks😭