it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
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My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A billiard table.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
I was bored.
Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
mmm onion ringos
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe