Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Me playing guitar)

3: Daddy what’s this song called?

Me: Going Nowhere.

3: I know that but what’s this song called?

Burned by a 3yo.

[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal

I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.

Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.

April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.

*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach

“Your rescue request is very important to us…”

Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.

Tough love is true love

My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?

me to my student: go get your mom

my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!

Before carbs: Hates everyone

After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat

Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?

Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.

Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.

*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door

*hears the word “sex”

*turns down my TV

COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”

My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’

me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:

My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.

Well played, old man. Well played.

If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely

Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*

Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes

Me: can you spell wonton backwards?

Friend: not now !

Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.

Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.

Me: Just get in.

Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.

Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter

Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is

Boss: …

1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*

7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*

My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.

YOGA CLASS

INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog

*loud thud

GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.

Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect