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“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.