its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
You Might Also Like
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.