Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We really need someone to step up while the boss is away

*stands up*

Someone without ice cream on their shirt

*looks down at shirt*

*sits down*

8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.

I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.

We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever

me: I put a siren on your car

cop: what’s that soun–

*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*

If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.

I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?

according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working

I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.

Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean

– me, as a gynecologist

I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”

who called it hell and not heaven’t

I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.

Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it

I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.

Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.

To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.

“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”

*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*

[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.

I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.

*sigh

He’s never gonna let me down.

I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.

Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.

I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable

[Sperm Bank]

DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral

Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.

My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”

DOCTOR: What’s the matter?

ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.

DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.

ME: Oh her water broke or something.