Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: There’s a fly in my soup.

Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.

*puts a spider in the soup*

Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.

[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha

Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago

Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today

Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.

Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!

Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.

Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.

“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”

It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.

Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!

Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.

me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting

clock repairman: I’m doing my best

WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing

I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise

[creating anchovies]

God: How can we ruin pizza?

It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…

My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.

[Thanksgiving 2020]

Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions

Him: that’s a carrot

Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…

There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes

Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.

my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there

Me: I prefer the natural look

Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products

Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.

Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.

Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.

*decides to open Twitter

Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger

According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.