It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub
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Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
this site is so cooked lol
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
🌱🌱🌱
