It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub
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[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Everyone’s family
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Yep.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.