Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.

[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”

If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.

my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?

me: idk, want me to google it?

him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this

me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree

him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense

I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.

I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.

I falcon love using swear birds

BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive

I’m not a helicopter mom.

I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.

Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time

Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.

Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.

in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.

i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”

then i left to go do drugs

My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro

*first day as a firefighter*

I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire

I think my favorite sammich is ice cream

[spider’s junk email folder]

-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$

-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU

-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY

Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.

HER: I love Deadpool

ME: I love Dead Pool

HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?

ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?

The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.

It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.

My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.

I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.

Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.

Me: Why aren’t you in bed?

5: I need smooth jazz.

Me: Uh what?

5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!

Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.

The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.

My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up