Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”

I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else

*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”

Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*

Toddler: *crashes the stock market*

So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times

If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.

Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.

Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??

I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.

Dear America

Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.

Many thanks

England

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

[first time golfing]

caddy: which club would you like sir

me: do you have turkey

I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”

Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?

If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…

Preserved fruit, that’s my jam

Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics

Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”

Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

i guess his teacher was really pissed

I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂

Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*

Imperial officer: What’s the password?

Han: It’s “password.”

Vader: We should really change that.

CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.

The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.

If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.

my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend

me, modern and woke: okay great

my daughter: he’s a bee

me: *clenching my jaw* okay great

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

[sharing a cold one with the guys]

“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”

Me: I’ll be home a little late today.

Son: Why?

Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.

Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.