Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
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Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.