it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
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Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego
…and send
I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.