it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
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Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
The chart results are in…
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!