Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want

I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket

Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.

[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY

If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”

Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK

If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed

STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today

*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*

(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)

Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING

A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.

👍

Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once

Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.

Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…

If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.

Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.

I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.

my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.

me: i’ve been hearing voices

psychiatrist:

me:

psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist

I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.

Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos

[First day of zombie apocalypse]

Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.

Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-

[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?

Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”

Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.

I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.

[seductively takes off mom jeans]

Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—

Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]

Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]

called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs

ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:

I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave