it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
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I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
[Biker gang initiation]
Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.