Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m having an out of money experience.

[interview]

THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?

ME: thank you.

Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving

Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?

Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop

Batman: *eyes welling*

Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB

“What time is it?”

*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*

*Still has no idea what time it is*

At least he brought enough for everyone

I’m not crazy.

I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.

Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?

Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: You’ve already written no

Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess

Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess

Villain: Does crimes.

Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.

Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?

I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.

11,780 cans of beans on the wall…

You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.

Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-

[10 minutes later]

Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE

I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.

Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !

I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.

My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:

1) Me
2) My Best Friend

[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?

Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles

*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking

*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.

You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.

If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently

Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.

That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.