[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
It’s cray that I totes obvi say perf and adorbz on the regs
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Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
My pistol only holds 9 bullets, so when I lose my shit I only get to kill 9 people or one cat.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
I was informed last week that “cheat day” does not mean what I thought it did.
In related news: Baby, sit down. I have to tell you somethin
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one