@theshamingofjay

It’s cray that I totes obvi say perf and adorbz on the regs

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@blade_funner

[me giving a TED Talk]

*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*

@causticbob

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

@GuyThe_Guy

My pistol only holds 9 bullets, so when I lose my shit I only get to kill 9 people or one cat.

@Nurse_K_

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

@radtoria

picture a potato but sexy

lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked

@RodLacroix

God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.

Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!

God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.

Angel: Never mind, go ahead.

@firebrand3

I was informed last week that “cheat day” does not mean what I thought it did.

In related news: Baby, sit down. I have to tell you somethin

@djdarrellripley

Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”

Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?

Me: Who told you my secret?!?

@CAshmanActor

amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one