curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
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For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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.
.
.
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Squash
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
this is funnier than any friends episode
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.