Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress

What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?

I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.

[Sunday morning]

*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*

– mass unfollowing

A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.

Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!

So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”

We all winked at each other and got in our cars.

Teamwork.

them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty

me:

Do you want to taunt a snowman?

ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.

I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.

My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.

Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?

I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.

“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”

It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist

This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?

I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.

My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat

Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair

My cat: it’s perfect I love it

My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too

PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!

BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!

SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!

Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong

Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher

Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.

Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.

Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.

[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.

Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*

Her: what’s this?

Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms

From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin

Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.

[30 years into the future]

me: you know netflix used to send films by post

my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge

me: productivity

Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.

Don’t beat an alive horse either.

interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right

My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.