Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”

Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.

I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.

i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud

My rose versus your carnation.

FLORAL COMBAT!

I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”

Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.

“Don’t tread on me.”

– out-of-order sign on a treadmill

Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!

Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?

Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..

We have ants and tonight at dinner:

My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?

3yo: I can.

Me: No, humans can’t smell it.

3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.

PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating

Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.

FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.

FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.

7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.

sad day today because:

1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.

we all know this pain all too well

Parents: violence is never the answer

Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA

Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”

The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.

The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍

mugger: *points gun* your money or your life

me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix

mugger: no i mean-

me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital

This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS

Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms

I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.