Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game

microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?

me: yes

[next time opening the document]

microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared

me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house

drug dealer: who are you talking to

me: [lowering my voice] he knows

Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.

I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.

Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”

Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?

A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,

“Hello. I sell doorbells.”

You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.

“HULK WANT LOAN.”

Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”

“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”

Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”

Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.

Oh my God. Where are you?

Car keys: LMAO

Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills

They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.

ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means

911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad

How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?

Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…

Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.

My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.

Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista

Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.

does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything

Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…

3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisible

Why you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…

3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done

Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”

[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!

I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.

*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus

*pronounces UPS like yoops