It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
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Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
pelicons
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Thank you corporation very cool
our love story in four pictures
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk