Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do the French eat snails?

Because they don’t like fast food.

it be like that

Take a selfie with me one last time

-the sign on my casket

Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.

My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.

Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.

If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths

Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go

If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.

If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly

Christian: You need Jesus in your life

Me: But I can’t find him

Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*

If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?

Lady, if you have five nearsighted kids the same age then you probably have bigger problems than me calling them “squintuplets”

HIM: What are you doing?

ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.

HIM: How much is in there?

ME: $5.40

You: I got a headache.

WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.

me when the borders lift

It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.

the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew

I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.

[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet

Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon

Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.

Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.

every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it

My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.

nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight

vampires: what the hell

For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside

Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990

Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa

I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.

People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.