Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.

(burglar breaks into my house)

me: Reginald, kill!

pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*

Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?

I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.

Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.

Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.

You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.

but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??

asking for a friend

Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.

Me: pew pew…pew pew pew

Guy at next urinal: Please stop

After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.

The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.

[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?

Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.

Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is

Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything

Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.

them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.

me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.

them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to

me: that’s better

Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.

I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.

[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN

Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?

When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”

Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.

Coffee for people with no kids

If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.

Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?

95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.

Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving

Me: fine but I get to do some now.

Wife: owl allow it.

Me: wait-what are you doing?

Wife: toucan play this game.

Me: I don’t like this.

Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?

oh u like history? name everything that happened