It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children
The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Trumpy Cat
