It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
