It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
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When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.
*grabs mixing bowl*
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”