Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏

Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do

Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.

Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.

Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.

The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.

Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.

Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*

The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.

poor people rarely die from ski related injuries

I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.

Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”

Me: “that’s a goat.”

Son: “Why?”

Me: …

11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house

I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!

We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.

I was naked.

She was afraid.

I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.

hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.

Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.

The worst part of getting new shoes is the breaking in phase. Once you’ve broken into the shoe shop, the rest is easy.

Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.

Husband: Why aren’t you and the kids outside? It’s beautiful outside!

Me: It’s pretty beautiful inside, too.

If you know, you know 😂🚔

Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit

Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.

[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*

Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?

I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.

“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.

Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.

When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

Me: it was my grandmother’s ring

Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful

Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress

Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?