Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.

Me: Push!

Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.

Me: What did the sign say?

Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((

Me: Rules are rules.

Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.

Wife: IT’S 8 AM

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.

My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.

when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.

like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.

Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.

I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

You could say I’m on stand-bi.

If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.

A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.

When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like

I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.

Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.

My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”

Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park

He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach

Priorities

For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.

Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in

Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?

I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.

Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok

[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf

[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!

Son: Aw I wanted candy

Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading

It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point

If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.

My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media

I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.

Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.