It’s crazy I need a certificate to prove I was born when you can literally just look at me
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ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
The legends were true
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Hard not to take this personally
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.