It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with
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I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Confused owl: What?!
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Boom, boom, ching!
🐶😂
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.