It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with
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going to bed
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
I had to Stop for this
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Hey Australia, who won the election tomorrow?
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.