It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with
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Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.
It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
No, YOUR illiterate.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”