It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with
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*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
want me to check your oil?
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
That’s classic.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”