I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
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People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Goodnight 🐶
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.