It’s crazy that we get one toothbrush as a kid and we have to use it once a week for the rest of our lives.
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i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds
Me: I was refilling my vape
Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know