It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
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Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
me: i made my first million by the age of 21
her: wow, a million dollars?!
me: no, mistakes
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.