It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
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I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
No Google it does not
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
“our sushi is very fresh”
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Maths meets science
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.