Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.

ME: I promise it will be different this time

THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*

I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?

Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn

I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it

An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.

Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”

Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.

this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*

me: I brought a note from my doctor

dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle

Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”

Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.

A Story in Three Acts

I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.

II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.

***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***

III. Noooooooooooooooo

My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.

The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons

A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.

I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool

My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.

I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him

I’m not ready for this.

“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?

Me: What’s your strongest weakness?

Candidate: …

*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up

M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!

Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker

I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.

How to make it rain:

-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”

HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?

Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.

Me: How was school?

Toddler: Candice has a different mom.

Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.

Lets all agree,

having your cake and eating it too,

is the same damn thing.

Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars