it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
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Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.