it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
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WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb
Me: Donates my body to science
Science: Donates my body to Goodwill
Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.