Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers

If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.

Me when they’re trying to close the buffet

Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.

You ever been to r/foodsafety? It’s literally just a hypochondriac circlejerk. Posts like “this chicken has been in a serving tray for 2 hours what do I do?” “Throw it out, it will kill your whole family!”

Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?

Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.

FD: Well then-

FS: Don’t.

FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.

When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.

(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.

bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong

Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.

Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?

Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler

– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.

Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.

*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”

Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”

Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.

I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.

An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.

A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.

“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man

NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!

I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs

“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada

People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?

tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more

[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..

Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing

Me: fine

[Later]

Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands