it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
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Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…
“Ow! I’m brined!”
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
So many people to disappoint, so little time
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city