Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing

My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion

Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.

Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*

Vampire: Thank you.

DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers

Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.

My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.

Well this pretty much sums up 2020.

[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*

The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.

*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!

Ok now say “coffee”!

I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.

With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter

“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?

I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.

I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.

Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor

Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea

Dad: I’m so hungry.

Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!

*Dad turns head very slowly*

[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]

90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.

DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this

The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.

{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}

I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck

A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.

Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive

Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back

[Star Wars Episode VII scene]

Princess Leia: I love you Han.

Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*

deleting my mental health to focus on my social media

(Final maths exam)

Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over

I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.