Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.

[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe

[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die

I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot

You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins

I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.

*picking up coins off the dance floor*

I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.

People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?

A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.

Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.

More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.

The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??

Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.

me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on

For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.

So, lemme get this straight…

Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??

We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?

[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt

[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts

Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.

*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.

#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷‍♀️

Nobody:

Mime:

Mute person:

Fight club member:

Parrot:

Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no

Clarissa didn’t explain this at all

[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510

Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.

Men: Same.

The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.

Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*

Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*

[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]

11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.

Me: What class is this for?

11: I haven’t started yet.

Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too

Harsh but fair

cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil