It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
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Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.