Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost

[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet

Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.

[blind date]

HER: I’m a Nihilist

ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country

Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.

“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”

“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”

I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.

There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.

7’s new favorite animal is the spider.

He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.

I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.

The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.

me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?

5: nothing…I don’t have scissors

me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*

death: quit it

Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.

Welcome to your 40s.

If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.

I’d like to apologize…

To anyone I have not offended.

I’ll be with you momentarily.

Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.

Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?

My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.

i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.

Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?

Do strangers call to pay my bills?

And if they do, why don’t you let them?

All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.

Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.

I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.

I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.

It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18

And that’s just for the alcohol

A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register

[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea

Best bird cliques…

A “murder” of crows

A “flamboyance” of flamingos

A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished

With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.