Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry, Ghostbusters.

At best, I might email or text you.

Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,

idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad

parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide

When i get an oil change & they show me the oil stick thing like… ok???😭😭

8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.

we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.

took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’

I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.

No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet

Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore

am i a vampire? i :

– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake

Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work

Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.

Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car

boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am

me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]

boss: [declines]

Me when I wear 4 inch heels

I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.

Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.

Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.

Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…

therapist: what are you afraid of?

me: nothing

therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all

Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time

Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.

When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.

Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.

Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.

Me: I’m not paranoid.

Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?

*watches someone skateboard off a roof

…hold my beer